Beyond the Swipe: Finding '90s R&B Love in the Digital Age
When I sat down to start writing this piece, I genuinely did not know where to start. Dating seems to be the topic of conversation these days with my friends, colleagues, family, even the beautiful ladies at my local coffee shop can’t wait for the new update. I think most people would agree that modern day dating can be an absolute shamble of an experience. Multiple dating apps, curated profiles, catfishes, endless swiping, repeat surface-level conversations of how your day was. The desire to find ‘the one’ feels like a labyrinth with no end in sight. Lately I’ve been thinking how online dating has affected our ability to find a connection with depth and meaning. I’d love to know your views on this too fam; feel free to DM me your thoughts once you’ve had a read.
A tailored illusion of the self
Online dating is your very own personal marketing campaign. We present the very best version of ourselves. Carefully selecting our top photos that highlight our best features, a small glimpse into the most exciting moments in our lives, our prompts filled with wit and meticulously crafted to present an idealised image. I'm always curious to know how many people genuinely believe their profile is truly a reflective portrayal of who they are. But then again, there's only so much authenticity you can convey with a handful of photos and a few character-limited prompts. The digital storefront of potential partners forces us to make incredibly quick judgements, often superficial ones, based on these carefully constructed facades, shaping who we think could be a possible match before a single real conversation has even begun.
The Superficiality of Swiping
The notion of ‘swiping left’ has created an unrealistic ideal of perfection and instant gratification, leading to a culture of disposability and a diminished capacity for patience and compromise.
I’d even argue that it’s the reason why people don’t put in as much effort these days into their relationships. The intoxicating ability to access an almost limitless pool of potential partners, across cities, even across other countries, has subtly, yet profoundly begun to convince us that everyone is replaceable and can be easily discarded. The question lingers, ‘Well what if there’s someone better, someone hotter, someone more successful?’ We start an incessant pursuit of an imagined ‘prime’ partner which demotes the work required to nurture a real connection.
Connection predominantly becomes based off the external as opposed to looking in deeper. Think about it - why you like a person’s profile has absolutely nothing to do with their character or personality. You don’t know them. A like is purely based off an external metric of desire. We are prioritising immediate visual appeal at the expense of deeper qualities like personality, values or intellectual compatibility. Now don’t get me wrong, do I think you should want to rip your partner’s clothes off, absolutely! But I do believe it’s important to be aware how challenging finding genuine connection can be when it’s reduced to aesthetic appraisal.
I’ll be honest, when I’ve matched with someone and the conversation seems to be flowing, off go the screenshots of the man’s profile to my friends, ‘what do you think of this one?’ which when I think about it seems a little silly! How on earth can my friends make a judgement on how this man will treat me based on his photos? I’d also have to say that this impulse to seek external approval for our dating choices also highlights the subconscious drive for validation that we possibly unknowingly bring to dating platforms. Each like, comment, match can feel like a mini hit of affirmation, temporarily boosting our ego. When people start seeking these fleeting validations, they are often seeking confirmation of their own desirability through another’s eyes, rather than being truly focused on finding a meaningful relationship. The dating process becomes a performance, rather than a private journey of meaning, understanding and discovery.
We need to remember that whilst physical attraction is essential to the strength of romantic relationships, the superficial gateway of starting a relationship based on lust leads to the abandonment of connections once that initial flame dims, or when a slight imperfection surfaces, as the foundation of knowing someone’s character, resilience and true personality was rarely acknowledged.
Goodbye real conversation, say hello to bread-crumbing and ghosting
‘He liked my post, but I haven’t heard from him since Thursday.’
‘She hasn’t read my message yet, but I can see she’s been online.’
I sway between wanting to slap sense into my friends but also face palming as my heart breaks for them when I hear things like this. The number of people that lack accountability in the dating scene is a whole other ball game. Rather than engaging in honest, direct communication, there’s a tendency to keep people on the hook with very minimal effort. We’ll send a reel here and there, a fleeting message or a social media like, just to keep people believing the spark is still there and there is genuine interest. People create a passive presence that’s just enough for the other to cling onto and garner hope for something more. What’s worse is when people decide to play magician and practice the vanishing act. Communication simply ceases without any explanation. Most of the time the conversation also appears to be going well so the sudden disappearance leaves unanswered questions and a painful void. This kind of behaviour creates a frustrating space for the person on the receiving end, leaving them confused, emotionally drained and questioning their own sense as they attempt to decipher signals that were never going to be clear to them in the first place.
I’ll tell you one thing, if someone is giving you mixed signals, don’t waste another millisecond on them. I can’t lie, I am terrible at replies. Even my closest friends joke about me taking 3-5 business days to respond. But when it comes to dating, if I’m not responding to someone, its simply because I am not interested…. When I like someone and I’m truly intentional about building something with them, my goodness will I make the time of day for them…and that’s simply the truth of it.
People make time for who they want to make time for! You prioritise what you want to prioritise and these days we are on our phones more than ever; it’s not like someone magically misses the notification. People make a choice. It’s a choice made to ignore it, to reply to it later or prioritise it. You might hear people say ‘oh well maybe he/she is busy’. Whilst I agree that all of us today lead quite busy lives, it simply comes down to the order of priorities.
The busiest people on this earth will always find time for what’s important to them. Remember that!
Can you find love online?
I’ll be real, online dating for me in both London and the US has been great entertainment. The stories I get to tell my married friends back home in Australia make for proper comedy. That said, I’ve been fortunate to have met some amazing guys through the apps. Men who are down to earth, honest and are just decent human beings. It’s why I genuinely do believe that good men exist who are truly intentional on finding their person. It’s easy to get bogged down on the notion that online dating is awful with no fairy tale ending in sight, but I do think that a great relationship can form provided your foundational values align.
You need to place less emphasis on chemistry and focus on the ability to sincerely connect to someone.
Chemistry creates attachment. Attachment will blind you. If this is all you feel with a particular individual – that fleeting spark without substance - then I suggest running for the hills. You should focus rather on the ability to connect with someone on their value system, their character, how they make you feel (I don’t mean surface level happiness, but rather do they make you want to be a better human being), their vision for the future, if you’re religious do they draw you closer to God, what kind of life can you build together, what’s their mindset, how do they handle their emotions when life doesn’t go their way?
Do I think that real love can be found online, yes. But I believe it’s incredibly rare. Sure, people will find someone who they are somewhat compatible with and call it a day, settling for a pleasant companion. But I’m talking about the deep love that’s purely rooted in upmost respect and care for one other, the type of love some of our parents were fortunate enough to experience. That’s what I believe is hard to find in this digital age.
But it’s the kind of love that’s worth waiting for.
It’s better to be happy single than get into a relationship just for the sake of companionship or wanting a family.
If you’re single and reading this, I hope and pray you find your person. I’m sending you lots of love and positive vibes.
Happy swiping fam!
Much love,
Sanu x